Are Positive Parents Pushovers? Positively Not! (And Five Things About Positive Parenting That Are True…)
When many folks hear "positive parenting," they think:
Constant indulgence
Never stopping your child from doing anything, even if it's dangerous
Lack of manners
Saying “yes” to everything
Wild, unruly behavior
Future teenage delinquency?
But positive parenting is and breeds none of those things, even if it is different than how many of us were raised. Here are just five of the things people who practice positive parenting *do* believe:
💌 Kids are humans. Full stop. Not stunted adults, whole humans of their own right. As such, they deserve respect. Does that mean they have the decision-making ability of (most) adults? Heck, no! They still need adults to be in charge; you can just choose to speak to them respectfully and acknowledge their feelings the way you (hopefully) would for any adult.
💌 Misbehavior is communication. It most often occurs when a child feels disconnected or is not getting their needs met in some way. A common way to think about it is that there are four "mistaken goals" of misbehavior: attention, power, revenge, and giving up/avoiding failure -- if you can identify which your child is trying to communicate, you can redirect the misbehavior!
💌 Children regulate their emotions through adults around them. A child’s ability to regulate their emotional state affects almost every aspect of their lives: peer, teacher, and parent relationships; academic performance; and both short- and long-term mental health. Some children (and adults) self-regulate more easily than others, but everyone can benefit from a caregiver who models strategies for self-regulation.
But what does that really mean? Here’s an example: an adult who screams or gives up when faced with an external challenge (a flat tire, a mistake in an order at a restaurant, and larger crises as well) is modeling a very different type of regulation than an adult who voices their frustration while staying calm, and attempts to problem-solve. The younger the child, the larger the parental effect; as children get older, they also self-regulate from their peers. This doesn’t mean parents of tweens and teens are off the hook, though — self-regulation is still part of the parent-child relationship in adolescence.
💌 (Reasonable) limits and (fair) boundaries are crucial. Setting boundaries is SO important in parenting, but it’s equally important to make sure they are reasonable and fair. Children need structure and consistency to thrive, but overly strict rules and regulations can end up being counterproductive — children may not know how to make reasonable decisions when adults are not nearby to provide input, and can also resort to some pretty sneaky strategies to feel a sense of freedom! Instead, parents can focus on setting clear expectations and providing boundaries that promote age-appropriate independence and autonomy.
One effective way to set reasonable limits and boundaries is to involve children in the decision-making process. For example, parents can ask their children for their opinions when setting rules — and consequences for breaking them. This not only gives children a sense of control (which you know I always say is so desperately valued by kids, who have very little control of their lives), it also helps them understand why the rules exist and increases the likelihood of complying with them.
When consequences are enforced, it’s important to stay calm and non-shaming. Even-tempered consistency helps children learn that while mistakes are expected, actions have consequences — which encourages responsible behavior over time. However, it’s important to remember that consequences should be fair and proportionate to the offense. Punishing a child excessively or without cause can lead to resentment and a breakdown in trust.
💌 Be a leader, not a dictator. A leader guides and supports, encourages strengths, and helps overcome challenges. On the other hand, a dictator imposes their will, creates rules with harsh consequences, and introduces uncertainty, causing others to feel powerless and disconnected.
One way to be a leader as a parenting adult is to practice active listening. Active listening involves paying attention to what children say and responding with empathy and understanding. This sounds so reasonable when I write it, but it means also responding this way when what your child is saying is absolutely ridiculous. Unreasonable. Laughable, even.
Want to hear some of my favorites from my own interactions with small children over the years?
“You wanted to eat the sand soup, but Miss Lillian won’t let you, because it’s not edible, right? (Child tearfully nods) It’s hard when we want to do things and we’re not allowed. No one likes that feeling. Is there anything that might help you feel better?”
“You were so mad at Justin, weren’t you? I saw your face when he called you a big doody pancake; it was like you couldn’t hold those mad feelings in any longer. Is that how you felt right before you pushed him?”
“You really loved that Kleenex. You’re upset that I threw it in the trash after you used it. I get it. It’s not easy to lose things we love.”
When children feel heard and validated — even on things that adults find meaningless — they are more likely to open up and communicate effectively in the future. This not only promotes healthy emotional and social development, it lays the groundwork for bigger and higher-stakes conversations as kids reach the middle and high school years.
Have thoughts? Want advice? Reach out to melissa@cognitionsf.com!