Hard to Hear; Good to Know
By Melissa Holman-Kursky
The Kimochis – a.k.a. one of my all-time favorite social-emotional programs – have this one lesson that I've found myself returning to over and over, no matter what age I'm working with, and no matter the size of the group. The whole lesson can be summed up in one little statement, and it’s one that parents and guardians can use with kids:
"Hard to hear; good to know."
Wow. There is so much to unpack here with just that one little phrase. The way they use it is as a way of discerning between hurtful words ("You're not my friend!") and things that are hard to hear, but actually good to know so that you can change your behavior ("I don't want to play right now because you keep grabbing things out of my hands.").
A lot of people think social-emotional learning, especially for younger children, involves the message that friendship should be smooth sailing, and the goal is to avoid any bumpy waters altogether. That couldn't be further from the truth.
Friendship is bumpy, wavy, smooth, and occasionally (hopefully not too often) shark-infested, and that's before you throw in the fact that kids are A.) still developing, and B.) have to deal with each other's lack of development while still developing themselves. It gets messy.
Even for adults, sometimes a friend behaves in a way that makes you want to distance yourself for the moment. It's important to be able to say you don't like something that's happening, even when it's hard for your friend to hear. As the friend, it's important to see that information as valuable even if it's uncomfortable, because your friendship is probably more important than whatever the annoying thing is that you're doing.
It also calls out the fact that – even for young children, at whom this curriculum is aimed – it's neither okay nor productive to speak hurtfully. Hurtful comments are not hard to hear but good to know; at most, they may indirectly express the level of anger or hurt the speaker is feeling, but most often they just employ a scorched-earth policy that creates a whole other layer of conflict.
And here’s where the Kimochis really get me every time: they further distinguish between the way someone feels, and the way they act. A kotowaza (Japanese proverb) that accompanies each emotion they introduce illustrates how feelings and actions are not necessarily connected: alongside “Mad” is the kotowaza,
“It’s okay to be mad, but it’s not okay to be mean.”
This is like the kid version of “fighting fair” in an argument, and it’s a powerful comment. You can be angry and in control at the same time. They have other excellent kotowazas too, like “Being kind during cranky moments shows real character,” and “Fun has to be fun for everyone,” but Mad is one that I keep coming back to…and not just in the classroom.
“Mom, I don’t want you to help me with my homework because you get too bossy with it.”
Ouch. Hard to hear…but good to know.
Interested in learning more about the Kimochis? I highly recommend their books and toys to support social emotional learning from early childhood/preschool through about 2nd grade, though many kids stay attached to them for much longer (and the lessons stay super relevant). I have no affiliation with them and don’t receive anything for this recommendation – I’m just a big fan!